I got my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine this week. I was both excited and nervous, which is exactly how I feel about the concept of life going “back to normal.” For a year now, I’ve complained bitterly about pandemic-imposed isolation, boredom, separation, and loss. I’ve longed for the things I miss, like eating in restaurants, listening to live music, or going to a party. I’ve learned to tolerate–but have never gotten used to–the feeling of one day bleeding into the next. I’ve grown to love and hate my own company. I’ve learned a lot about myself this year, partly because my inner observer had nowhere else to put her attention.
So now that most of my friends are getting the vaccine and the weather is finally improving, I’m aware that my circles will soon open up again. I should be nothing but excited by the prospect, but I’m dragging my feet. I feel like a toddler sucking my thumb at the edge of the pool and trying to gather the courage to jump in. It’s not just that the virus is still out there, it’s not just that the mask mandates are still in place, it’s not just that the world is still a scary place where you can get gunned down in your local grocery store. It’s also that I’m not sure I want to go back to the person I was before.
That person had a hard time saying no, even when she felt too tired or grumpy to attend an event. She worked too much and…
